Venturing Into Polyamory Part 1

My husband and I are at a crossroads in the lifestyle. I feel like a college kid who partied hardcore for the past three years, has gotten most of the shenanigans out of her system, and is ready to settle down. We’ve made life long friends, nearly completed our sexual buckets lists, and have hundreds of mind blowing memories to cherish into old age. The parties seem repetitive now. There is not a shortage of attractive people, however, the dance is always the same. It feels like work. Work not worth the effort.

In our years as swingers, the sexual stimulation has been enough. Meaningless sex was all we wanted. We decided long before we swapped that emotional connection was sacred, only shared within marriage. It was our safety net. No amount of great extramarital sex could compete with the bond we shared as husband and wife. Everything else was “just sex.” We weren’t playing with fire because emotions were left at the door.

It all changed when I asked permission to go on my first date alone. The man was in a long term committed relationship, looking to branch out sexually with his girlfriend. We chatted online for a few months, with evident chemistry and attraction. His girlfriend also gave the thumbs up for our date, as he was in town on business. When I walked into the Irish pub, saw his charismatic smile and felt his warm embrace for the first time, I felt like we had known each other for some time or maybe in another life. We even made the comment, agreeing that it felt like a reunion, not an introduction. We spent a few hours chatting and flirting. It was natural, effortless. We ventured to a nearby strip club, enjoying the scenery together as I sat on his lap. His lips met mine and it felt just right. The tension built quickly and the desire to take it further was strong. We stayed within the rules previously discussed with my husband. No naked time. I left that date feeling young, invigorated, and rich with desire. Desire to learn more about this intriguing man. Physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. It was that immediate connection that left me wanting more out of my relationships.

It wasn’t an instantaneous shift from orgy party scene to dating separately. We had been experimenting with separate room sex within the same location for a few months at that point. Both delighted with the intensified intimacy induced by one on one interaction. For my husband it was more about focusing on his partner without me as a distraction. (Apparently my dirty talk and loud moaning are difficult to ignore.) For me it was getting more out of men than what they would comfortably give with their wives nearby. It was a variety of things. Increased passion, upping the vulgarity of our sexual banter, or being free to grant my request to be used like a little whore. We were having less shared sexual experiences, but continued to discuss the details of our personal ventures.
The progression toward preferring private sexual experiences coupled with the distinct connection and intrigue of that first date inspired me to reevaluate my changing needs and desires.
–Much more to share on this incredible journey. Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 to get caught up to the present. Roller coaster ride in progress. Hold on tight!

2 Comments

  1. Love this topic! What’s interesting is the subtext here…”what is ‘polyamory’?” On our journey, after a few years we also started playing separately. First in different rooms (for pretty much the exact same reasons as you cite in your blog), and then going out on “dates”. At first Nicoleta didn’t like that word, “date”, as it implied “relationship” to her. She felt it should be “meet at a hotel/house/car/whatever and fuck, then leave”. I’m not wired that way, as I like to enjoy dinner, or drinks or whatever and get warmed up, and this created a disconnect between us (and had her put in place a boundary for me). Then one time she went on date with a guy, who bought her dinner and she loved the conversation and the flirting. Then she went on an overnight date with a guy. And suddenly her fears of harming our relationship evaporated due to positive personal experiences on her part, and thus she lowered her boundaries for me.

    We are now at the point where we each think it would be cool for the other to not just be able to have random encounters as opportunities arise, but to have more relationships with others. Is that “polyamory”? We have “poly” friends who live together as groups, and we have “poly” friends who disavow a primary relationship; and we know that’s not us. But we also have people that we each flirt with, go out with, and even travel with, and who we know a lot about and care for. Does that make us “poly”, or just swingers with boyfriends/girlfriends? Are those the same? Interesting questions.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Scott. The things you describe above are clearly different types of arrangements. As to what “society’s” naming convention is for each shade or permutation of those types of structures(primary, secondary, metamour, group, etc) of human relationships and the corresponding sharing/ownership of resources; is a very broad spectrum for sure. Although finer naming conventions for each one is academically likely at this time, this exercise in semantics, I believe is not currently for the typical swinger to delineate quite yet. For now, I believe them to be all under the heading of “Polyamory”, but in time, or more scholarly circles, we may see a much finer description of compersion, sharing, and other human states of acceptance and sources of joy for our partner that shall define these roles much more clearly for us in sociological terms.

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